No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
