they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
