I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
