I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
