matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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