She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
