apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
