Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
We're facebook friends in real life
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize