I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
