My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
