Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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