i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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