Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
