The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
