i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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