can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize