The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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