And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
