Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
