My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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