just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize