I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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