I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
