Your mouth is God's brothel.
from now on my penis is your penis
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
