i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
