Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
