I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
