Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize