On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize