The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
