I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
