I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize