how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
