Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My dad is sitting where you rode me
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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