i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
