I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize