guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
