I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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