we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
