I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
