Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
