Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
