i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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