Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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