so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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