At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
