I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
