You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
