You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
