Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
