the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
