College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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