I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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