Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
