your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm so fucking centered right now
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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