they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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